~Phantessa~

workity work work work

2007-02-10T06:44:49Z

So, the subject sums up my life. All I do is work. Starting next Monday, I will not have a day off again until... oh, probably me eventually quitting or cutting back even more days at Borders, although I'm only working there 3 days. 4 days at the DJJ.

Work is good though. I love my new job, I notice myelf feeling more cheerful and happy on a daily basis. The only thing that changed is my job situation. It feels so much more worthwhile and fulfilling. That alone makes life much better. I'm in a better mood at Borders too, and it's just b/c of how little I have to work there. I definitely feel like too many people decide based on money what to do for a living, but they end up so unhappy. I picked my job based on what gives my life meaning and purpose. You can get by easily in life doing what you want to do, it's when people get greedy and care too much about materialistic things they become unhappy b/c they pick jobs that make them unhappy and lose sight of the more important things. I've seen far too many friends do it, I just hope one day they decide to put meaning before money. Ah, but this is America..

I'm just now able to afford treatment, I had this weird hand condition for the last year that itched every night. Turns out it was hand dermatitis, she gave me Fexofenadine(an allergy medicine) and some cream to apply every day. My hand is sooooo much better, no more itching, and no it was never contagious. But the job at Borders was making it spread on my hands b/c it was irritating my already sick skin. The crazy part is... it all started b/c of the engagement ring I wore. She said soap or bacteria can get under your rings and cause this to happen.. GRRRRR... I stopped wearing gloves at work finally and I just noticed the spot on my wrist which has been gone the last few days, is red again........ I'm still on the medicine of course, but there are some freaking crazy chemicals fucking with my skin. See? Borders... annoys me and sickens me apparently. I really need to just quit there. I was just about to stop the meds soon and I just noticed how quick it came back with one day of work in the cafe. I just want to wait it out a little and make sure things are working out at the RYDC first. Blah. Anyway, I'm going to go. Working 3-12 tomorrow night, but at least Sean Hagler is coming to play to break up the monotone. He's got a myspace page, check it out if you want. Ciao!

The Fountain

2006-12-13T04:24:14Z

Hello. Just waiting again, lol, for Luke to get off the game. We saw The Fountain tonight, it was beautiful, sad, tragic, incredible, serene, positive, and a pure treat. I loved the combinations of many belief systems and messages, I think anyone could interpret this movie however fits their belief structure, so that's really cool. I hope people who see it are open to a mix of beliefs, because otherwise I don't know if they could appreciate it. I do take back some comments I've made on Hugh's range as an actor, he did an excellent job with this. If you can bring me to tears with your own, then you've done a damn fine job. So, bring some tissues with you if you see it. It reminds me a lot of my cousin Angie. She had cancer and after she'd had chemo it came back and had spread to her bones. She was engaged at the time too. She reminded me of the female character, she was always more concerned about how everyone else was and always said she was doing good, even when we knew she wasn't feeling well. I still keep her ring with me on my keychain. I still wear the clothes and shoes of hers my aunt gave me. But, more than those things I hope knowing her gives me some strength I didn't have before. I know I always try to make sure everyone else around me is well before I check on myself, perhaps I got that from her. I do feel as if I could die right now extremely happily, I've experienced a love that most people never get to have. If I were diagnosed with something tomorrow, I can only hope it wouldn't phase me and I would continue on the same until I could no more, but we can't ever say for sure what will happen unless tested like that. Anyway, some random thoughts, do go see it.

12-12-2006

2006-12-12T09:02:41Z

You know, people surprise me sometimes. People here are very different from where I am from. I cannot tell half the time if someone is being sincere, fake, or sarcastically an ass. I honestly am not sure. Some people fake cheerful crazily with customers and when we're talking I think things are fine and good, but I don't know. I just can't figure some people out. I am pretty quiet still around the people I work with, I walked in on what feels like a tight knit family and it's hard to be accepted as part of it. You know, I wonder if people are just as confused by me. I can't really be myself around people I don't know well and when I'm quiet and shy I fear they think something altogether different about me. I wish we could just download the files of our lives into someone else's brain so they could understand you better. I think we misinterpret so many things about others. I'm not complaing about these things, I'm more curious as to why these differences exist. I'm ranting on and on about silly stuff, my apologies. I'm tired and waiting for someone.... *glances at Luke working on a Fyst HQ on Everquest II* to finish a heritage quest. Oh... I have to try something. Here's a funny clip from Eddie Izzard's HBO special that is funny as hell.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9IzDbNFDdP4

Bleh

2006-12-10T03:15:38Z

Hello... So, I'm still not feeling well. For the last 2 weeks I've been sick on and off, can't sleep which makes it worse. So, forgive me if this is a little random from time to time. I don't even know what I want to write about, but I want to write something to remember from this time in my life. You know, I'm really getting into the cafe environment, it's fun. And I work with, for the most part, some really cool people. I'm lucky to have met them. I hardly have time to play EQII anymore though. I'm getting used to an early, early shift. For instance, I'm waking at 7:30am tomorrow to make it to work at 9am. I'm not 100% sure, but I believe I am opening. This shift isn't that bad, but when I have to work say from 11-8 then I wake up, go to work, come home, and have an hour or two before I have to be asleep. So, I don't have much time for anything else, even my sweet Luke. Even worse he works until 11pm sometimes, like tonight and I have to be in bed before he gets home. We've been trying to find time to see The Fountain, but in 2 weeks we haven't managed it. He's working even more than I am, 48 hrs next week, however, that's not the norm. We do what we have to do, right? And my job is really fun for the most part, ok making announcements, not so fun, lol. But, we get to make fancy looking drinks and food all the time. I really like to see people brighten up when they see the fancy toppings on their drink, like this one...

Well, that's all for now. I must sleep, hopefully I can. Night all, have a good weekend and good luck on exams!!

In memory of my beloved T.C.

2006-11-29T03:32:31Z

Go hug and hold and pet your animals right now, for you never know when you will lose them.

We got T.C. over a year ago now from my mom's superintendent. T.C. was violent around their infant and new puppy as well and my mom offered to bring him to our home and he could stay outside. He didn't like us much at first and the first few days we were scared he would run off. It took some time for him to get used to me, and me used to him. He was very fickle and was specific about where he'd let you pet him. I remember the first time he rolled on his back purring, as if he wanted me to pet his belly. I was scared, because I didn't know how he'd react and he didn't let me pet him. I was confused, because he acted like he did. It took me some time to realize that if you pet his head with one hand (to distract him) that he'd happily let you pet his belly. I was the only one who he'd let pick him up, not sure why. He hissed at my mom when she'd pick him up or try to jump down. Luke got close to T.C. too and occasionally he'd let Luke hold him for a little bit. But, T.C. let me carry him anywhere. He got in a weird habit of sleeping under people's cars over the summer too. I once saw him sleeping on our neighbors SUV too. Anytime Luke and I had leftover chicken, hot dog, steak, or anything we always gave it to T.C. and he would pick the bone clean. He wasn't a picky eater like my Michael is. He'd eat any can of cat food. When it was raining or cold he would want to come in the house, but after about 10 minutes and him licking himself clean he would get antsy and want back out. He didn't like our cats. He wouldn't hiss at them unless he saw that they saw him. He would observe them without getting upset as long as they didn't look at him. He and my neighbors dog fought for my attention all the time, it was cute. I'd go to the fence and pet the neighbors dog and T.C. would walk up to me, the dog would bark at T.C. Then when I'd sit and pet T.C. by the porch, the dog would whine. Many times I looked out the backyard when I heard the dog barking and I saw it was b/c T.C. was walking in the yard. But, I think they were friends on some level. Michael would meow and stare at T.C. from the window all the time. I knew when it was time to feed T.C. when I heard Michael in the window, letting me know T.C. was approaching. I don't really know where he went during the days. He knew when to come for food and he usually hung around at night.

T.C. was a sweet, loving, and loyal cat. Last night he went missing. He never ate his food that morning and he didn't eat the food at night either, I knew this much yesterday. My mom looked around the back house and couldn't find him. She called me today saying the neighbors little girl told her she thought she found our cat. I am sad to say it was T.C. My mom said she buried him in the bed he slept in. The little girl came and put flowers on his grave and my mom put a little angel statue there. I saw him last when we came to get Michael, he was happy to see me and Luke. I am glad I got to hold and pet him that one last time, as much as I wish I could have prevented his death. We don't know what happened. He was on his side, mouth opened... no cuts or scratches. Perhaps he was just old, I'd rather believe that than think someone would poison him. If it was painful, he is at least at rest now. That's as much as I can talk about it now. Take care. I love and miss all my family, friends, and cats.

Boredom

2006-11-28T03:08:16Z

Hello. Well, I am getting used to waking up early for work. 6:15 am today. I am tired now though. We finally got the internet working again after we lost it randomly for a few days. It's good to be back again. I have begun to learn to like Soy milk now, since I can no longer drink of my regular whole milk, oh how I miss thee. I've learned cold brewed marble mocha tastes absolutely divine with soy milk. My cereal tastes good as well. It's about time I start getting calcium in my body again. I got a bit of a promotion at work, although I doubt I get a raise with it. I do get more responsibilites, which I am eager to take on. I had been feeling a little down about my work situation, I started feeling a bit despondent, because I knew I could do so much more. So, I'm excited by the prospect of learning new things and being trusted to do more. Thanksgiving was alright. My mom came up for one day and saw the apartment. Michael was happy to see her. Blah, I don't feel like writing today. Sorry

Song - Bush "Out of this world"

2006-11-14T20:29:23Z

Hello. I was listening to a cd of mine, Golden State by Bush and I realized an even greater significance of a song I always loved. It's the song called "Out of this world". Remember when I had everyone pick a song they would want to be remembered by at their funeral? Well, this song is perfect for what I would want played. The lyrics are self-explanatory, but in case someone misses it, I'll elaborate. I believe when we die that is it for us and we live on only through the memories of those who knew us. I remember very often those I've lost and they truly do live on in my mind. But also, this song points out a positive about death, that we finally get out of this world, out of our minds.. No matter what, each of our lives is comprised of pain. The pain can be our own or watching loved ones go through bad experiences. Life is hard. This is a plain and simple fact. When we die we can leave all of this trouble behind. For instance, my grandmother who recently died of breast cancer, she bore the pain of losing her daughter at a very young age her entire life and never trusted doctors again. She was in a silent physical pain for many years and never got help for her cancer, until friends forced her to go to the hospital and by then it was far too late and she died 3 days later. She is free from those thoughts, that physical pain. She will never be in pain again and I am glad for that. Now, I'm not discounting the happy moments in life, the relationships we lose, the pain it causes others to lose us. But, if life were easy then we'd never feel the need to leave it, we'd never feel a release from it all. Anyway, those are my thoughts today. Thoughts of my grandmother, grandfather, aunt and uncle, cousin, great grandmother, and great grandfather, and a step uncle. In fact, the last was in so much pain he took his own life. Sad but happy thoughts at the memories of them all and the strength they gave me as a person. So, here are the lyrics.

When we die
We go into the arms of those who remember us

We are home now
Out of our heads
Out of our minds
Out of this world
Out of this time

Are you drowning or waving?
I just want you to save me
Should we try to get along?
Just try to get along

So we move
We change by the speed of the choices that we made
And the barriers are all self-made
That's so retrograde

Are you drowning or waving?
I just need you to save me
Should we try to get along?
Just try to get along

I am alive
I'm gonna wait 'til the trials of confusion create
There are times when I feel the way we're about to break
When there's too much to say

We are home now
Out of our heads
Out of our minds
Out of this world
Out of this time
Out of this time

long day

2006-11-10T22:10:23Z

Hello. Well, Michael is finally with us!! Ok, I'm happy he's here, but he's driving me nuts. Every 30 minutes or so he goes to every door and meows his head off! I think he's looking for the other cats. It's hard to deal with at night, especially since I've been working early hours lately. So, I'm tired... Oh, when we brought him, the first 30 minutes of the drive he was shaking, the next 2 hrs he had his head buried in the nook of my arm. I felt so bad for putting him through that. Then, when we got him in the house he hid under the bed covers all night, even when we were there he stayed under. When we come home he hides just his head behind the mirror, it's hilarious its like he thinks if he can't see us we can't see him. He didn't eat for the first day or two either. Now he's eating again though. So, that's fun. Anyway, I'm using a hotspot at work 10 bucks to use it 24 hrs. So, I'm going to go.

Food recommendation: Snickerdoodle cookie

Bonjour mon amis!

2006-11-07T05:59:22Z

Hello hello. Been quite a bit of time without the internet for me. I'm sitting in my mom's living room, which still feels like home to me. Luke and I drove up after we got off work tonight at 8, got here around midnight and we're taking our cat with us! Yes, the adorable Michael will be with us from now on. The same very Michael in the incredible cat footage you can find on myspace by searching "Michael the Cat". Yes, I'm exhausted. I've worked 6 or 7 days straight, a lot of extra hours and what not. I've been up since 9:15am. And it's nearing 1am. We're catching up with guildees tonight from EQII. We're enjoying the internet and a fridge with actual things in it, lol. Life is really good right now. Even when people are jerks to me at work(customers or co-workers, which is very rare and happened only twice or so) it surprisingly doesn't bother me. Somehow I magically developed the ability to not be upset by it. Not sure how, since I'm a sensitive person. Perhaps it's being aware of where the attitude or comments come from, a greater awareness of things. For instance, I forgot we were out of cream cheese and a little girl ordered a bagel. I try to remember to tell people ordering bagels, b/c some people don't like bagels plain. Anyway, her father asks me if we have any cream cheese, I wasn't 100% sure and asked a co-worker to which we learned that no... we were out! lol. He asks me if we have anything she could put on her bagel, I think through all the sauces and flavors of things we use for latte's and mochas and whatnot, but can't think of anything. He looks at me and says "Hello? Haven't you ever heard of a bagel and cream cheese?!" I explained again that we were out and we'd be happy to replace the bagel with something else. She got a cinnamon roll instead. She brought a tip later, I think he felt bad about it. But, here's what I was thinking. This single father brings his 3 kids to a Borders cafe on a Sunday. I'm thinking he's divorced and this is his weekend with his kids. His daughter wanted something and he couldn't get it for her, he was upset. Now I don't really know if this is true or not, but by thinking of why he's so upset and seeing his angle, I can see he wasn't upset with me, but upset with the situation, as any father would be. This is the kind of outlook I'm having on life and it makes it much easier. Well, I'm tired and need to get some rest at some point before we head back. I miss my friends, call me.. leave messages... something. It's really nice to have a bunch of messages when I can get online. I hope you are all well.

Ah, a random but good quote I read in a bathroom stall where I work... Quite insightful for bathroom reading lol.
"Life is like photography; you use the negatives to develop."

So, it's Friday

2006-10-27T21:14:12Z

So, it's Friday and I'm sitting at a computer in a library after I've been at work since 9:30am till 4. Got called in early too, was supposed to be 10, but hey... the more hours the better. I'm not sure what the hell I'm going to do now. Without the internet at home, little edible food in the house, and no cable... Well, we get NBC & PBS but it's really fuzzy and rarely in color. Luke went in at 5... basically when I got off of work. Oh, you know what I think I'm going to do.. make reccomendations for stuff you all should try at your local Seattle's Best (assuming you have one).

SBC Drink of the Day: Caramel Apple Cider... it's deliciously warm and fruity on a cold and rainy day.

Work is good, as always. A customer called in and said that they had the best drink reccomended by moi! Woot! It was probably the cider, I kid you not, it's damn good. No coffee for those who don't like that as well. Look at me, lol, talking about work when I get off.

I do miss my cat still... Paid first full month's rent today. $554 which isn't bad split between Luke & I. It's a really nice apartment. I'll try to get some pictures up if I can figure out how to do that. Forgive me if I said this all in a previous journal... I'm a bit scattered right now. Anyway, I'll go now and do... not really sure. But, I'll figure something out.

Update on life events

2006-10-23T21:57:45Z

Ah, another day of rest. It's been nice to have a little time off. Car light won't go off for my malfunction indicator lamp. I think the gas cap wasn't screwed on tight. They won't just turn the light off, it's "supposed" to go off on it's own. If not, they'll have to do a diagnostic which is 90 bucks... this is all at the Toyota dealership. Oh, but they won't charge me the diagnostic if I get it fixed there, which sounds like anything they do will cost more than 90. Blah. Cars suck. That's my only stressor at the moment. I am enjoying and improving at my job every day I feel more and more confident about making drinks. All the other little things I can perfect over time.

We have less of a spider problem now at the apartment, could have been b/c no one lived there for awhile or something. Oh, but when there is a spider it's as big as my hand! No joke. Ah, and 2 of the lower cabinets smell moldy, but soon I shall spray those suckers down with Lysol, by my mom's suggestion. It's been fun decorating and unpacking boxes. Finally my decorating all throughout the house, I love it. Ok, yes Luke is included, but he has a lot less decorative materials and he's incorporating them too. I wish I could put some pictures up, but the best I could do it through my cell phone. If I get some pics I'll post them. It's beginning to feel more like home especially since I added my decorative touches this Saturday. We went shopping and split the price on stuff we share, which makes life a lot cheaper. It's fun to do all the couple stuff for our own place, like going shopping. The one thing we're missing is our little one, Michael the cat. We watched the little video we made for him last night, it will feel much more like home once he's there to play with and I bet he'll love it. We're just waiting to make sure we have an extra 200 to bring him. There are a lot of trees around where we live and the leaves changing color is absolutely beautiful. Even the weather is nice with a hint of cold to it. It's really nice after closing, because all the cleaning is quite a workout, to step outside into the cold, a natural air conditioner for a little bit. Life is good right now, I'm enjoying my job, life, and apartment. I just wish I had 40 hrs for sure and was making more money. And yes, I do wish I could find a psychology-related job. Being a barista is a fun job, but it doesn't provide me the meaning that a psych job would, I need to know I'm really making a difference in someone's life who needs help.. not just someone who "wants" a cup of coffee. I don't know if I'm explaining the difference. One person has a real need and the other doesn't. I'm providing a product to one and to the other I'm helping them make their life better. To me there is a Huge difference. So, I'm still keeping my eyes open for something else, but the only thing I'd switch jobs for is a psych job and those are hard to find and hard to get. DFAC's here requires 2 years of experience even... Anyway, that's my only lingering regret with jobs, but we do what we must, right? And it really has been a good experience and I love my co-workers and the job itself is fun too.

Getting certified

2006-10-20T18:51:26Z

Well, today I get certfied to do my job. I still have to learn to make a couple of drinks before it. It's Friday, so it will be busy. It's the big final test, basically if you don't pass this you don't get the job, and I was assured no one had failed before. So... wish me luck? I'm nervous about it to be honest, some drinks I've only made once and there are so many it's easy to get a latte and mocha confused. Well, I hope everyone is doing well. Send messages if you want, I can check my stuff occasionally. Take care all.

We're up here!

2006-10-19T17:45:37Z

Well, I'm on a computer in a library with an hour of access, but about 20 minutes before I have to leave to head to work. Being a cafe seller requires you to do the jobs of 4 or 5 different people in Longhorn's. It's crazy work, but everyone there is incredibly nice to me and always helpful when I have questions. I love the job, but it's also a plentiful load to do. I've been training all week, lots of taste testing. It's delicious, if you've never been to a Seattle's best for coffee and snacks you should really try it. Anyway, I don't want to spend all my time writing a new journal so I'll try to make this short. We've almost unpacked everything. Big props to Chris for helping us get stuffed moved in from the moving truck, thanks! The apartment looks great, although I've been working and coming home to sleep so much without a day off that I haven't spent a lot of time in it yet. Luke is working now too. So, we're off to a good start. Hope some of you can come up and see it sometime. And Chris, if you happen to read this, we still owe you a meal for the help! We just don't have any of the same days off yet. Adieu my friends.

Updated Move Information

2006-10-12T03:02:29Z

Well, hello there. I've got some wonderful news! We have an apartment, if you'd like our new address please send me an email and I'll send it to you. I start work at Borders on Monday from 1pm to 8pm! I just went out and bought some new work clothes. I believe she said all black and a collared shirt, close toed shoes. So, I went out and bought 2 black pants and 2 black shirts which are really cute. I haven't bought new clothes since I got the job at Longhorn's so.. it was fun and only cost 50 bucks. We will have power on Friday! I will go get the keys and move some stuff in on Saturday, possibly with my mom. We have a nice little one bedroom apt. Check it out...

It's small, but I love it! I'm really excited about having my first place. Warning all those moving out one day.. lots of unexpected charges. Did you know that to turn your power on there is an activation fee(25 for us) and a deposit of 200 which we get back when we move. Which is ridiculous, it's 200 bucks we'll never see again. The apartment had not only a deposit(150), but an adminstrative fee(150) as well. Plus, eventually when we can afford it, 200 bucks to bring our cat. Blah. To get a phone line hooked up it's a 42 connection fee plus monthly fees of course(17) and to get DSL we pay for the modem(75) and a router(no clue) plus 32 a month... Ok, well... we are holding off on internet access and phone for awhile, because it's just too damn expensive. We have cell phones and I believe the place I'm working has a wireless connection so I can bring my laptop and check stuff after or before work. Ok, to get our stuff moved we're renting a mini-mover truck and it costs 233, plus if we want insurance 40 something, which we might do b/c Luke will have to drive it through ATL. We're getting the truck and doing all the major work on Sunday. I'm really excited that I have so much to do, this break was longer than I wanted and I get to work again soon, very soon. And all the moving will keep me busy too. I can't wait to decorate my own apartment, no matter how tiny it is. It's mine (and Luke's of course). It's ours to with what we will. I'm 23, it's about time I become independent from my mom financially. Yay! I'm like a kid at their first fair right now.

The Phone Call

2006-10-07T21:27:07Z

Ok, that was crazy. When I went to turn my phone back on, after it was done charging.... I had a message from Wanda, my savior! She said that I could go ahead and plan on moving up and that I basically got the job, but they needed to check with my references. So, this is awesome! It's a cafe seller, $7.00/hr, at least to start, up to 32 hours, which hopefully I can get something fulltime eventually, maybe as a bookseller. She said people can move up quickly in the company, and I will be actively trying to do that. I'm really excited. So, it's set for me to start on the 16th of October. I have to go fill out new hire information before I'm officially an employee. We're going up Monday to get the apartment, hopefully the exact one we looked at is still avaliable or at least that they have some for 521 a month still. We'll be moving in during the week and Luke will be working most of the week here too. My mom just got back, let me share the news!

Job interview

2006-10-07T19:59:23Z

Well, I drove up there (3 and a half hour drive) yesterday for a job interview at Borders. I think it went well, I felt like I was very much myself, less nervous than I have been at past interviews. The two people I spoke to seem very personable and like they would be easy to get along with and like they are hard workers. I'd never been to a Borders before and looked around the store some while waiting for the interview and then the main interviewer, Wanda, showed me around the whole store at the end. Interesting random fact, guess what the number one stolen book is? You'd never believe it, but it's the Bible. That reminds me of another random fact I learned in Criminology, what is the number one stolen item from a drug store?? Well, disgustingly enough it's actually Preparation H. lol I'm waiting for a call, but I forgot my phone died yesterday and I'm having to charge it, hopefully if anyone calls they leave a message, but it's probably too soon to hear back anyway. I'm not sure if I will get the job or not. I was a little shaken up after some near accidents in downtown ATL and my mood was a little lower than theirs because I was scared of driving back as well. I did drive there and back all on my own though, I'm very proud that I did it. I only almost got hit oh 7 or 8 times. Perry fair is going on right now, I looked over to my left and saw the lights all aglow and the large red moon right in the middle of it all. I wish I could go, it's been far too long since I've been to a fair. Anyway, I'll go and update if I hear anything, I'm still keepin my eyes open for other jobs, but I really hope I get this one. It would be a good job environment, and until I can get a job with a masters I will need a job. So, I could have this one for 5+ years. One of the people their has a psychology degree, which is cool. But, I still want to be a counselor eventually, hence the masters. However, the people and the environment seem nice. It reminds me of Longhorn's except less chaotic and with better headsets. Anyway, I'm seriously going now.

Job interview

2006-10-05T00:33:32Z

Finally, a sign of hope! I applied to Borders online. I went for the first time to a Borders yesterday when we drove up for me to apply at some places. Woooohhhhoooooooooo! It's very much like Book-a-Million, but has a little bit more going on there. It seems like a nice, calm, peaceful environment. I imagine the job I'd get would be a bookseller or in the cafe. I'm really excited about it. It seems similiar to a hostess job, except we have more room to walk around. I imagine we ask people if we can help them with anything, and help people find what they are looking for, probably have to know the floorplan and the areas, which is like I did at Longhorn's as well. I'll get to hear about books customers like and get some possible names of books I might want to read just throughout the day, helping them. I imagine the pay is 6-7 an hr, which is perfect. Hopefully full time or close to that. Perhaps I'm jumping ahead here, since I only have an interview. But, I feel confident in my abilities to do any job with them. So, I feel there is no reason the interview would not go well. But, it's always possible I won't get it, so... I'll try not to be too hopeful. Anyway, just wanted to share the wonderful news. If I do get the job, we can go Saturday and get the apartment. And we can start moving sometime next week or this weekend! Alright, well... I'll contain my giddiness and just... go ahead and click "Update Journal"

A nightmare I just had...

2006-10-02T18:53:19Z

This was a very vivid and frightening nightmare I just had. It actually maintained the same storyline for a long time, unlike most of my nightmares which jump from one to another. Plus, at the point of getting bit by a vampire, wolf, whichever I usually wake up. However, this time I didn't. Well, here it is...

It was nighttime, I was outside. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be, that it was dangerous, but I was being careful and as quiet as I could be. I heard something near me and I took off running around a gas station building into an open area and I panicked, because there were three or four vampires killing in that area. A curly, dark haired girl saw me and started after me. I saw I could jump on top of a roof that was above the cars. I ran and jumped on top of a white car, she was close on my heels. She busted her hand through the sunroof of the car and I kicked it furiously against the glass and her hand was cut off. I took that chance to climb through a hole in the roof over the gas pumps and I was on the top of it, thinking I’d be safer. Then, the same vampire flew up to where I was. I had been stupid not to realize they could fly too. She looked me right in the face and told me, “Soon. He is coming.” I saw her glance over her shoulder and I followed her gaze to a darkly dressed, tall man with dark hair who was walking slowly. Then, I felt a presence immediately to my right and I turned to see the same man I’d seen so far away right next to me. His pale face staring right into mine. I began to scream and he pulled my neck to him and began to bite. I screamed only a moment longer after he began biting and something came over me and I was lulled into silence, I felt lightheaded, it was almost like the feeling of being drunk. He bit harder and I made another sound of pain mixed with pleasure. Finally he lowered my limp body to the ground. He handed me a vial and explained to me that I needed to drink it. I said, “Can I ask you a question?” He said, “Of course.” and he pulled me under his cape into darkness where I could barely see his pale face. I asked him, “Why me? Why do you think I can do this?” He said, “Do not worry, you fought as yourself, you were real, and you’re perfect for this.” He lifted the cape from around us. I backed up and hid for a moment behind the pole at the gas pump and pressed my back against it. I whispered, almost to myself, “This isn’t within me to do. I cannot do this.” I began walking around toward a nearby apartment complex and I started to drink the vial of his blood, it burned to some extent at first. I thought about just spitting it out, but another vampire walked by and saw some of it dripping out of my mouth, he stared at me a moment. I swallowed the rest of the blood. Some feeling shrouded over me, the blood in my mouth wasn’t enough, I wanted fresh blood. So, I went inside the building and saw locked door after locked door. I didn’t know what to do. I heard a crashing sound and swiftly ran to it. I saw a male vampire who would have otherwise frightened me earlier this evening, but I was not scared anymore. He didn’t even take notice of me. He had kicked down a door and was killing the inhabitants. There was a door open near him and as he headed back in the hall I asked him, “Was this room taken by you, as well?” He hastily responded, “Yes.” as he kicked down the next door and I heard a scream from inside. So, I headed down the hallway to an area with only locked doors and no vampires. I put my new powers to the test and kicked the door down. I was surprised at how effortlessly it collapsed, along with some of the doorframe, apparently I didn’t need to use that much strength to get the job done. As I gazed into the darkly lit room I saw a bed with two adult bodies, a wife and husband. No, wait… there was a small body next to theirs as well. I swiftly moved into the room and jumped on the bed and began to bite the woman’s neck, because she was the closest to the door. To her left was her husband and I gripped my left hand around his throat to keep him still. Before I was done killing her I moved to the husband and drained him fully. The taste was incredible, even better than the vial. I started to bite the wife again, but she was dead and no blood flowed from her anymore. I realized it was strange how little a fight they had put up. I looked to the child to their left, thinking I could get some more blood. However, the child was dead, from the looks of it, from starvation and just recently. I looked around the room and saw a black chest open on the floor with another child’s corpse in it. They had buried their daughter earlier that day as well. Some people had been so scared during the takeover they never left their homes at all. I had heard about it, but I couldn’t believe it either. I brushed the son’s soft hair as I stared at his corpse next to his father. I was more aware now of what I had done, but it was from some distance that never truly hit the core of my emotions. I stayed in the room a little while, disappointed in myself, because after the wife I realized I had not even needed her husband’s blood to sustain me. I was also more aware of why they hadn’t put up a fight, since they lost their will to live recently when their remaining child died. I heard a gunshot in the building and realized it was human’s attacking the vampires in the building. I snuck out of the room with the four corpses behind me and I walked into the room with the first open door. I heard voices in the dark room and silently I went to a back room and punched the window out and dove through the hole. I silently walked the night a bit longer, not really sure where I would go.

while Luke creates a new poll image, i wrote this

2006-09-30T07:32:21Z

So... here's the update. Luke got a job!!!!!!!!! Do I hear cheering and celebration? Well, we are! Happy New Year! Anyway, we went and checked out an apartment, but there was a hitch or we would have gotten it that day... we must be making 3x's the rent to apply. He's the only one with a job at the moment, and his income alone isn't 18,000 a year. However, with me working too we will easily cover it. Now I have to get a job very quickly. Well, he's guaranteed his job, full time, whenever he can start. They even offered me a job to start, if we needed it to move in quicker. But, I can't take a job as a driver, b/c well... not the best of drivers and horrible with directions, plus I am a woman, more likely to get robbed. Neither Luke or my mom thought it a good idea for me to do it and I didn't really care to anyway, so that plan is out. I'm going up there next week to apply for jobs in person, probably a hostess job if I can't find something with my degree before then. Anyway, so things are finally looking up! We'll be moving probably at the end of next week, if not, then the week after.

One thing that really made my day though, I told my mom about it and mentioned if she helped us move then we'd be out of here quicker and that's what she wanted. She had completed reversed her previous position. She said she didn't want us out, that we could stay another month or two. I was shocked and asked why. She said she'd recently remembered what it was like when I had gone to college in Atlanta and she said she'd miss having us here to talk to. This really made me smile. A month ago she basically said we'd worn out our welcome and stayed longer than we originally told her. Now she wants us to stay longer... moms.... so weird. One day they want you gone and the next they hang onto us for dear life. It will make leaving harder knowing that she actually wanted us here. I'm glad that we made her days more pleasant and fun being here, it means a lot to me to know my mom likes me around. I reminded her I will be a phone call away and that she could call me everyday like she did when I lived in ATL and I'd always be there to talk to her. I hate the idea of her being here alone, with just her skating rink buddies. I told her we'd be in that area for a few years and if she heard of any jobs in the area, she should move up there, because I'd like to have her nearby, just not in the same house. I know she'll be fine, but I'm leaving with someone, she's going to remain by herself. Everyone she's loved has moved away, her 2 good friends are in different states now and they used to live here. She'll have 5 cats left, since we're taking my Michael, and she just might become the crazy cat lady with only them to talk to. I feel bad, I really feel bad moving away this time. It's been me and my mom sticking it out together through it all. We've been with eachother since my day one on this earth, technically... since day one in her womb, lol... When dad left.. I was still here. When Chris moved to dads... I was still here. When grandpa died... I was still here. When I moved away... I moved back. I've been a constant in her life the past 22(almost 23, in a week!) years. So, I worry for her. She went from living with her parents to married and living with my dad, at age 17. So, she's only been alone when I went off to college for two years. Well, college is done for now, and I'm not coming home to her anymore. She's going to have to spend the rest of her life alone, since she refuses to date or meet anyone out of her crazy fears and worries. I can only hope she will change her mindset about that, but I don't see it happening any time soon. Well, I'll stop my worrying vent for now. Adieu.

Which Michael image looks better?

2006-09-30T07:03:37Z

So, we created a myspace page for our cat Michael, and we wanted images for when people made Michael his friend. I created an image and Luke created an image. I won't reveal yet who did which image. But, we'd like your opinions. Which image do you think is better? Please vote.

The poll didn't work so just leave a comment with your vote. Picture One(top) or Picture Two(bottom).

Picture One

Picture Two

Again, can't sleep

2006-09-24T09:26:54Z

Well, it's 5:05 am as I begin this and I cannot sleep. Granted, I do have a mild cold. However, that cold is currently remedied by cold medicine, so it's not that. My thoughts keep me up, and quite random they are. So, this may be extremely jumpy. I had been thinking about how today is my mom's birthday, but we already celebrated it Friday when I bought her a cake. Good news... unlike cakes I cooked for her, she actually ate this one, lol. It's practically gone now. Every time I make her a cake, she goes out and buys herself one of the cakes like I bought, except she usually gets a smaller one. That's how I knew she'd eat it.

Then, I was thinking about my aunt and how nice it would be to see them more often when we move, since it will be quicker to see her than my own mother. Then, I was reminded of the thank you card mix up, which I had double-checked, but still got it wrong. I sent out 3 cards and only one person got the right one. So, this got me thinking about my grandfather and how it's going to be longer to drive to see him and wondering when I might actually get to see him next. Sadly, I haven't even got to meet my new grandmother yet. He sounds really well when I talk to him, I'm glad he found someone who treats him well. She lost a husband, as he lost his wife... so they can truly understand and be there for one another. I am grateful she entered his life.

Next random thought was how close my birthday is and how sad it will be if we are still here for it. I want to move out, to Marietta, an apartment complex we've already checked out and loved. I miss my independency. I miss working, I miss doing something... besides cleaning my mom's house(in exchange for her letting us stay until we can get jobs).

This got me thinking about the move and how Tuesday we're driving up there, so he can work on going to places and applying in person. I really, really want something to happen Tuesday. I want to know he can start work the following Monday. I want to be able to go put a deposit on an apartment and start moving in this week. I would love to be moved in by the weekend. I just feel kind of hopeless about it now. Every time we get our hopes up about a job, we suddenly don't hear back. It's really frustrating. The longer we stay here the less motivated I feel, the more and more I'm slipping into a hole. I don't want to go out, I don't care to do anything. I'm turning slightly apathetic at the moment and now I can hardly stand myself. I have no purpose right now, no meaning. Maybe if I had people calling me for advice or to listen to whatever is going on in their lives, then I'd a sense of purpose. Luke doesn't let me help him really, I have to force help on him almost. Even when he was sick, it took two days to talk him into taking a cough drop for his sore throat. Once he did, he did it on his own a lot, because it worked. Men... lol. Refusing to take medicine although they know it will help them, but once they do it once, they are fine doing it. Maybe they can't admit to themselves they are really sick until they take something. This probably has something to do with why men have a shorter life expectancy in the U.S.A. than women.

Hmm.. what else? I want to move, that's it! I really want to move out of here. I love my mom, I love being near her. I love all the cats(only Michael is coming with us), and I'll miss them terribly. But! But, I need for Luke and I to officially start our life together, independent of parents. At the same time, I will have a hard time saying goodbye to my mom. When I left for college, I still had a room here and lived here during christmas, spring break, and summer. However, this move is the last time I'll be living with my mom, unless something happens to her as she gets older and she needs someone to take care of her, then she's moving in with us. After this move, I leave her an empty room to which she'll empty her warehouse with it and Luke's current room. When I come see her and stay, I'll be a visitor. That's a little strange to think about. Well, I'm going to try to get some sleep again. *keeps fingers crossed* I hope this was vent enough to help me sleep.

Random musings

2006-09-12T07:32:55Z

I was looking at my myspace page and realized I felt it really represented me. Then, I thought about that thought. Stay with me if you can. I thought to myself, am I simply the sum of my interests(movies, books, music) and the friends I have? The obvious answer is... of course not. We are deeper than the activities we enjoy and the people we enjoy being around. Yet, I've had this thought before. Not about a webpage, but my bedroom. I thought it represented me well. This is such an odd thought to me at this moment. Colors and shapes and things like that are somehow supposed to represent my inner being, my character, my emotion? I think not. But still, why do I get this sense that it represents me? Why do certain images and colors feel like they represent me?

The purple flower that I have on my profile all the time now... I feel like it represents me better than a picture of me could. But, it must be deeper than the colors and shapes. This flower, let me try to describe what it means to me. Each flower is unique in shape, color, and longevity. This flower bloomed so beautifully for such a short time, as will my own life, because I am human. It was a tight bloom at first and opened to reveal more colors inside and I feel I am like this with people at first.. shy and over time I open up and reveal more of my true character as they gain my trust. A flower is a part of nature and part of that cycle. Flowers can soothe the soul and envoke rejuvinating emotions, which I hope I do for people when I help them with their problems. It consumes the water and nutrients in the environment around it, as I absorb knowledge and meaning from the world around me. This is the most thought I've ever given the flower and now I feel even more justified in why I feel it represents me. Or almost the ideal goal I have for myself, because I am not this flower yet, but I am working to become it.

We are all works in progress. Constantly changing and growing and experiencing, no wonder friends and family grow apart, because the things people once had in common can change to where they don't know what to do around eachother anymore. And this is why we get closer to others as time passes, because our common interests grow. Well, enough of these random thoughts. Time for bed.

Bad luck and fight

2006-09-05T06:22:15Z

Well.. my mom finally brought up the fact we've worn out our welcome. I understand as well, I truly believed getting a job would be easier, especially considering the number of places we've applied to. Looks like Luke is going to have to take the painting job with the condition he can't go out of town for the most part, and he can work a second job when they go out of town. However, we had a bit of bad luck tonight, because when I checked the apartment we've had our eye on, the price is now up 60 bucks and I have no clue why. So, we don't know any other places to check. We'll have to go back up there and look at some cheaper places. It's a huge let down, because we really did like that apartment. Anyway, once we can find out when we can move in somewhere, we'll put a deposit down at a place Wednesday as long as the guy will hire look with the condition he won't go out of town.

Grrr.... so frustrating. Hey, a small victory though.. they got our order right tonight at Taco Bell!! Woot!

He can keep his car!!

2006-09-02T07:47:50Z

Well... here's the update. So, Friday, today, we woke up ealy and went and had the Grand Am checked out. Jimmy said the engine wasn't good for the car and wouldn't last long if we were driving in ATL. So, we went back and said no and left. We were disappointed and decided, well... we're going to have to go to some more car places, wake up early every day if we have to.

But then, oh yes... I remembered something. For some reason the insurance on the Grand Am was only going to be 90 bucks and his current is 222. That seemed like a huge jump for a 5 year difference. I then realized when he bought his car new from Mitsubishi that they forced him to get the most expensive, full coverage. But, it's not new anymore and his payments switched to another service called Center One and that's who he pays now. So, the insurance people tell us he can get his insurance down to 93 a month!! That's 131 bucks he can save there alone. Only 90 bucks less a month than the offer if he had bought the Grand Am. He's working on calling some places just to see if he can get his car re-financed and payments lowered too. But, now he won't have to sell his car at all! I'm thrilled, finally a victory. Or so we hope. Let's not jump to conclusions we haven't been able to officially change it yet. But, it looks like there is no reason we cannot.

The job, however, did not work out for Luke. They travel out of town usually twice a month, like next week he tried to get Luke to go for a whole week to Gainesville, FL. He absolutely refuses to do something like that, moving us into a place and leaving me behind for long periods of time in a place I know no one. It's sweet of him, and I know he'll find something else. To be honest, it would have been hard for me if he had wanted the job. Anyway, now we're both up at 3:45 am and we both can't sleep, lol. He's next to me playing EQII (which I got the guild to level 25 tonight!!) and I'm getting my thoughts out here. So, that's it... Hmm... oh, just a funny side note, Luke brought McDonald's home and they actually got it right! (If you read the previous journal, you'd know why this is funny). Adieu my beloved friends.

Another restless night

2006-08-31T08:32:39Z

Well, the last journal helped tremendously. I was able to get back to sleep for a few hours. So, now I believe since this is a stressful time that I may have to write a journal every day to get everything out of my system.

It's 4:11 am and I haven't been able to sleep and we're waking at 10:00am so Luke can make some calls about a job about 30 miles from where we want to move. His mom found the job for him and he should be making enough, as long as he can work full time (40+ hours) he'll take the job. But, here's the scary part. If he gets this job, it sounds like the guy wants him to start ASAP. So, maybe next Monday. Which means we need to get an apartment and move into it this weekend. Is this rapid or what?

On top of this, Luke might be trading his car in. We spent many hours at a dealership as they brought up 2 pathetic choices which he refused. And we even talked them down to 150 a month for one of them, but Luke hated the car. Then, they pulled out a 1999 or 98 Silver Grand Am. Luke's original car was a 95 Grand Am which he loved. So, he was interested in this. We couldn't talk them down below 200 a month, so it was looking useless. Because he needed those 515 payments in half. But, Luke called his insurance company and they said insurance would be 90 bucks. So, basically he'd be paying $290 for everything, and considering he pays 290 a month for his car payments alone, he's saving $222. The car... well, he likes it and I guess that's enough. It's got some paints mess ups, missing a hub cap, 3 or 4 plastic pieces(not important parts) are cracked, the air conditioning starts working at 3+ not on options 1 or 2. It's got 70,000 miles, which isn't bad for a 98. Anyway, he told the guy we'd be back Friday to trade if it was possible. However, now we're trying to find out if he can have it looked at first. My mom's making a call to her tire guy, Jimmy, who doesn't screw her over with prices to see if he can do that.

So, yeah... a lot to think about all happening at once. Luke is still applying at some other places, some a bit closer to where we want to move. But, it's insanely stressful right now. I think they are screwing Luke with the price, but I can't prove it and we can't talk them down anymore. Here's a secret, you have to act like you dislike the car and they will lower it. The second they know you like it, they won't lower the price anymore. The one we hated they really tried to sell it the most to us and kept lowering it. They went from 220 to 185 to 150. Until they realized we didn't want it. So, that's the only useful thing I learned. Oh, and they use a technique called low balling. Although, to admit I'm a little confused how they did it. The first car was crap and ugly, then next one was a little better, and the third was more what he wanted. They also like to leave you alone in the room for long periods to do "this and that" oh, running these numbers, going to talk to someone about this, or let me see what I can do about this. I think they try to keep you there for a long time, so you feel "Well, I've spent a lot of time here, and although it's not what I wanted, I might as well, because I'd have to spend half a day anywhere and I doubt I can get better and I don't want to spend another day dealing with people like this." When they really want to sell a car they leave you standing in front of it awhile, to try to get you liking it more.

I'm having no luck with jobs, although I applied at 2 or 3 more places tonight. I've got some numbers I might call tomorrow and see. This all ia driving my stress level. Plus, I need to get applying to grad school. I'm having bad luck in other areas as well, not just jobs. Tonight I went to Hardees to destress and get some food. And, I order a number 5(3 chili pups, Dr. Pepper and a chili). And when we got home I realized they only gave me the drink and the chili, the main part of the meal, my pups weren't there. Then, Luke's B.A. Burger had mayo all over it and they never put mayo on it before. I know that's silly, but I have bad luck getting orders right these days. Almost always they leave something out a Taco Bell. At Hardees one time they didn't give me 5 bucks back and I didn't realize until I was home. Just more reason to buy my groceries and make my own food. But, I just can't make a burrito or taco taste like they do at TB. My burgers are nothing like Burger King. My fries don't compare to any of the food places. Alright, now my ranting has turned silly. So, I'll stop.

Ok, I'm going to try to get some sleep again. Hopefully I can now.